You might be stuck in a Mozart opera if…
Worried that your life is starting to resemble a Mozart opera? Here’s a handy guide (inspired by The Toast) to help you determine whether you are, in fact, a character in one of Wolfie’s music dramas. Seek further assistance if if…
You’re a baritone, and you’re a nobleman who tries to sleep with everything in skirts. (Or, you’re a mezzo, and you’re a pageboy who wants to sleep with everything in skirts.)
Or, you’re a baritone and you’re (A) a servant, (B) entirely unnecessary to the plot, and (C) only allowed to sing one aria (inevitably the worst one in the opera).
You’re one of over a thousand sopranos who have slept with the baritone.
You’re a tenor and you’re a king and you’re dead. Just kidding—everyone just thinks you’re dead, but you’re not. You’ll soon make a dramatic entrance, and your unexpected arrival will cause all sorts of problems for you child(ren).
You find your father’s fiancée really attractive. Unfortunately, so does your brother.
The emperor finds your fiancée really attractive.
Putting on a mustache makes you entirely unrecognizable, even to your lover. (Or, switching coats with your master makes you entirely unrecognizable, even to his lover.)
Switching dresses with another woman makes you entirely unrecognizable, even to your husband.
You really love your boyfriend, but you’ve also always thought his best friend would be super hot with a mustache.
You’ve never seen your maid and the doctor at the same time. Or your maid and the notary at the same time. Or the doctor and the notary at the same time…
You’re an expert at phrasing sarcastic insults with scrupulous politeness.
The man you had hoped to marry turns out to be your long-lost son. (Or, the woman who had hoped to marry you turns out to be your long-lost mother.)
A soprano with really great coloratura is trying to persuade you to assassinate someone. You’re torn because you love her very much and she rocked those high notes, but you also like the person she’s asking you to kill.
You’re being chased by a monster. You may faint, or you may do battle and slay it. Either way, you’ll get the girl of your dreams.
There’s an ominous-looking ax onstage. (This could be a sign that you are in a Mozart opera and at the Salzburg Festival. If you’re worried that this may be the case, also keep an eye out for two-level sets, severe minimalism, an awkwardly wide stage, and a gaping hole in the middle of the playing area.)
You’re a mezzo in trousers under sentence of death. (Don’t worry — you will definitely survive!)
All of your schemes fail, but you’re magnanimously pardoned by an enlightened monarch just when it looks like all hope is gone.
You’re a mezzo in trousers and it’s unclear whether your most romantic scenes are with your alleged soprano lover, your other mezzo-in-trousers best bud, the tenor king, or the clarinetist.
No one has ever suffered as much as you.
Everyone else on the stage is also claiming that no one else has ever suffered as much as them.